Teasing

I was not really all that shocked when it was discovered that I had a brain tumor. I think that I had known (or at least had some suspicions) all along. The truth is a lot of people secretly think that they might have a brain tumor – something I learned after my own diagnosis and something I very much enjoy taking advantage of too. “That keeps happening to you and you’re worried? Did it happen to me before I was diagnosed? Yeah actually, it happened all the time. I never thought of that before. You should definitely get that checked out – it sounds like brain cancer to me.” Honestly, I know that I should not play with people that way because having a brain tumor is not like having a broken arm or a gigantic gapping hole in your abdomen; it is almost invisible. It is usually fairly subtle at first and (at least in my experience) causes only gradual and easily excusable symptoms. “Have I always been able to smell colors?  Of course I have, how else would I know that the smell of purple equals four?”

For me, the first sign was a super cool gangsta-lean (limp) that spontaneously developed. I excused it as just a delayed externality of throwing my back out a few months earlier from a manly, dangerous and visually spectacular backyard slip-n-slide accident (if I had not hurt my back during the maneuver, I would definitely have gotten some that night). All of the other signs of having a brain tumor were masked by my lifestyle and the stresses that went along with being me – for all of you that have never been me it is very stressful, at least for me anyway. Uncharacteristic clumsiness along with a diminishing vernacular and cognitive reasoning skills were all chalked up to stress and lack of sleep.

In other words, the problem with figuring out if you might have a brain tumor is that if you think you might have an invisible illness, it is easy to believe that you are just manifesting imaginary problems. Anyone with a moderate imagination has created artificial scenarios of serious challenges involving their own health and safety and that of their families as well. Watch My Life or Life as a house and try not to conjure up any artificial cancer symptoms complete with tear jerking scenarios. Or watch Ransom or Man on Fire and try not to picture your own child being kidnapped; are you already thinking about going on a killing spree with nothing but a steak knife and a print out of Megan’s List? It takes a few moments, hours or even days sometimes, but we eventually stopper the flow of morbid fantasies and snap back to real life. It is exactly the same with real symptoms.

Once you notice a symptom (other than visible things like herpes or missing teeth), you only become temporarily afraid. You make a mental note to see the doctor and then you become accustomed to the symptom and the symptom becomes normal and arbitrary. This might seem strange, but it is essentially the same principle that allows hardcore runners that have learned how to push through enormous amounts of pain for their sport, to continue running while having a life ending heart attack and not notice until it’s too late.  It is human nature really. Anybody that has started to age has had to slowly accept certain limitations and pains that grew as gradually as the elbow skin that has been creeping over the rest of their body. The difference is the ability to look at a photo album or to notice the revolted look on the faces of the neighborhood children (just give them a cookie and they will adjust to your haggard looks). Without some kind of measuring stick and an abrupt and drastic enough deviation, you probably would not be aware that you have become a scary ugo or that you have a life threatening debilitating disease either.

The moment that made me aware that there was something “unignorably” (new word. I made it up. You’re welcome) wrong with me, I had a seizure.  Although, I did not know it was a seizure at first; I thought that I was demon possessed - I played with an Ouija board once and it has haunted me forever. As it turns out I was lucky. I only had brain cancer with no trace of Demon and therefore, no frightening as hell crucifixion masturbation. My doctors have confirmed all of this. I took it better than my wife, who insisted that we were not in the emergency room because of a brain tumor; it was a spasm from throwing out my back. She could not believe that the dumb-ass doctors did not notice my obvious limp (gangsta-lean) when I came through the door.

After drug testing my wife, asking her sanity testing questions and calming her down enough to explain the situation to her, we entered into an exciting new chapter of our lives. Unfortunately we cannot read most of it due to the terrible handwriting of the doctors and the parts we can read, and even more rarely understand, sound very soul crushing and nightmarish while somehow remaining as boring as after school detention. I finally get time off, only to spend it in bed. I have lots more time with my kids; I just can’t play with them. I feel like the moron in a parable; I made a wish with an evil trickster genie that granted it only to show kids that it is extremely fun to fuck my life up for a lesson about… Stealing cookies? Peeing in the shower? My inability to comprehend irony? What?

I guess maybe it has something to do with the fact that I ignored my gut feelings. But most likely, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything at all. It just is. And I will always wish that it just wasn’t. At least I can still tease the hypochondriacs.