Crap talking

I have become an expert on talking crap. I don’t mean bad mouthing others or that I have any type of expert conversational skills either; I literally mean crap, poop, feces, etc… Since being diagnosed with brain cancer it seems the major theme of my hospital and health discussions are overwhelmingly about poop. You’re probably thinking that’s because my brains have turned into poop from the cancer, chemo, radiation and surgery - and if you have been reading my blog at all it is an understandable conclusion for you to come to, but my terrible thinking skills and obvious inability to write coherently are largely unfortunate preexisting conditions due to a shallow and very muddy gene pool; not my current illness. Hence, David’s incongruent rationalizations. At least I think that is why.

Now, when I say talking crap, I do not mean to say that I understand crap and all of its intricacies. I am not in fact, a poop reader of any kind. My physical knowledge of poop stops just beyond the ability to decide if my shoes can be washed or if they need to be thrown away (usually based on location and consistency – grass or walkway, corn or curry based). I am however, proficient enough in talking crap to understand the hospital natives as they jump around excitedly babbling on about it. It is in truth, one of the oldest and purest forms of science.

Originally, poop-study was a prehistoric skill developed and used by Homo-carnivorous for tracking game and shy cavewomen. Eventually Cavemen became so skilled at tracking, catching, killing and eating now extinct creatures that they consequently had too much time on their hands – thus, mischief and daring each other to do gross and painful things was born. “Og, dare you smell this. Giggle, giggle.”And then “Og, dare you eat it,” giggling, laughing out loud and banging clubs on their heads.  Og eventually developed a weird fetish and an amazing ability to distinguish the subtle nuances in people droppings allowing him to become the first medical doctor.

Poop-science is now the prevailing science of medical doctors and nurses everywhere. In fact it now borders on obsession and you can hardly get anyone in the medical field to discuss anything other than your bowels and the precious contents inside. They all seem to want samples in every thing from fun-size cups to king-size containers. The most impatient and aggressive of them actually want to touch the contents prior to expulsion and give you immediate feedback. “It seems that there is blood in your stool.” “Thank you doctor ham-handed knuckle buster, but aren’t you my chiropractor?”

Anyway, talking crap. Learning to talk crap at the hospital is as important as learning to talk hobo at the bus stop or Wal-Mart. It is not so much a language as it is a defense. You learn to not engage the hobo/Wal-Mart shopper, just as you learn not to bait the medical staff with statements that require embarrassing follow-up questions and uncomfortable anal inquisitions that border on Spanish (on a side note, if you just became ill and are going to spend a lot of time in hospital emergency rooms and have never had to ride the bus or shop at a Wal-Mart, it is a good idea to learn to talk hobo as well as crap, because the bus stops at Wal-Mart go directly to the emergency rooms for hobo convenience).

A Quick lesson in crap talk – always say “fine, normal, regular, brown, solid, only just some corn maybe…and peanuts.” Never say “loose, red, sporadic, bearing down or looked like skittles…I think.”

Good luck.