Being Praised For Being

There has been a quote in my head as of late which has become a sort of motto for me because I cannot seem to shake it:

“We are meant to love people and use things.

But the world is in complete chaos,

Because we love things and use people.”

As I think on this quote I tend to feel that I have transcended materialism and have genuinely embraced the importance of people in my life; but that’s not fair to everyone else, is it?

Okay look here, and I will not sugarcoat this for you, my life is not an easy one! This week alone I have had two seizures, both strong enough to wipe out entire days worth of cognitive function, I have had my brain hemorrhage twice as well and had to be rushed to the ER as massive blood-clots, along with massive amounts of blood, worked their way out of my head. That is not to mention all of the rest of what goes hand-in-hand with my disease:  Slowly losing functions, watching as your body eats itself and atrophies (you think that you are unhappy when you look in the mirror?), staring out the window at all things that you used to able to do, watching your kids play and not being able to play with them (I cannot even begin to tell you how it feels to not be able to physically play with my kids outside – squirt guns, bikes, football, baseball, wrestling and just general rough housing… it is a list that has been growing exponentially with my attempts of permanence and as long as I continue to fight cancer I will continue to read my list and try my hardest to list all the reasons why I should not just give up). I realize that I can probably, but pointlessly and without purpose, do this all day; so I will just end it with an etc.… and move on.

The point that I am trying to get to – and please bear with me on this – is that it is unfair for me to expect that anyone else should live up to such a quote. Sounds weird, uh? Let me explain. In some aspects, even after my rant in the beginning, I have to admit that I have been given opportunities that you have not been given; I have received gifts that you have not received; love and acceptance are laid at my feet, and I am no longer judged on the same issues of conformity, ideology, success, finance, career goals, etc.…  My life, for better or worse, has been essentially stripped down to the bare bones. I am expected to survive, or at least to try, and that’s about it.

That pretty much pulls me out of the rat race (unless it is an experimental lab-rat race, then I am back in, bwahaahaa baby). What I am saying here is that my goals are no longer as lofty as yours and because of that I cannot sit back and judge you from my self-righteous terminally ill throne. I have been handed a single and very simplified choice, one that cuts through all of the chaotic choices that must be made by those (you) that are trying so hard for a life of betterment, accomplishment and fulfillment, and in the mix of it all, trying to do the right thing. Whereas me, I either can try or give up. I have repeatedly chosen to try and am repeatedly praised for it.

 Okay, back to my new motto:

“We are meant to love people and use things.

But the world is in complete chaos,

Because we love things and use people.”

Again, I have been given a unique opportunity to transcend such conformities in the eyes of my family, friends and most of those that are aware of my circumstance; but what about God? Is he cool with the either-or scenario that everyone else has approved of?  I am guessing that my illness did not come as a shock and that he probably expects a little more from me than everyone else that is just terrified to be me – life sucks, but at least I’m not that guy over there seizing on the floor at the mall (recognize).

In so many ways I have been given a pass on expectations. But honestly, do I deserve them? What is, or more to the point, what should be expected of me? What should I expect from myself? I am sure I can just cruise through and everyone will tell me how strong I am, how my will is mind boggling, how my strength and determination is an inspiration for all to witness; I am a hero of heart and soul.

What would you think of me if I were just muddling through the complications of a normal life?

I am a normal person that has been thrown into an abnormal hardship. It is easy to deny yourself the fruit at the top of the tree when you are unable to climb up and grab it anyway! Blind people do not drink and drive. Those that are mute tend not to have shouting matches and deaf people never blast their music at two-in-the-morning; they should not, however, be given a pass for it! Cannot and does not are not the same thing.

So my new motto, as amazing as I think it sounds, cannot be mine to use; I do not lack possessions because of some selfless, moral choices that I have let direct my life, nor have I always put my loved ones first (in fact, like so many I took them for granted). But I do get a second chance: a second chance to put my family first, a second chance to be grateful and humble, and a second chance to be a giving person.

So, here it is. My struggles, though extremely visible and hard to watch, were not a choice and they were thrust upon me and are generally obligatory in nature. Does that make me worthy of so much praise?  I don’t think that it does.

But I am trying hard to make the life corrections that I have been so graciously allowed to make and I will continue to do so as long as the option is mine to decide. I guess what I am saying is: Our circumstances, sometimes, are largely outside our control and in those moments, rise or fall; we are the people that we truly are and should not be afraid to show it. Our demons and how we battle them, not our talents or our gifts, is ultimately what defines us.

So who are you? Are you making the right choices in life? Are you happy? Do you have the new IPhone? What are you doing with your old IPhone? I am just curious… I already asked the Lord to buy me a Mercedes-Benz - you know, cause my friends all drive Porches and I must make amends - still waiting on the answer though (you can thank me later that this song is going to be in your head all day).  

I am tired, and have a tendency to wax philosophically for far too long when I am. Hoping that my point has been made I am going to wrap it up and leave you with this: Before I became ill, I bragged, boasted, exaggerated and embellished all of my accomplishments, talents and gifts. But when I became terminally ill I made a promise to myself that I would be honest – no matter what! After all, I was dying and there was no point in being dishonest with others or, and especially, myself anymore.

It has been this commitment to honesty and openness that has changed everything in my life. I have tried – granted, in my own peculiar way – to bring, not only my struggles and challenges that I am trying to overcome but my failures as well to the forefront of this blog. You are allowed to look at them, criticize them, ignore them or whatever the hell you feel like doing with them – they are yours and will be yours long after I am dead and gone.