Encounters of an Awkward Kind

Chances are that if you are reading this web log, you know someone that has brain cancer. Also, there is a fairly decent chance that if you are reading this that the person whom you know with brain cancer writes a kind of intimately awkward and extremely personal blog about dealing with cancer and that you feel a sense of obligation to read it. And you are now wondering (because of recent and upcoming family functions) what exactly the social protocol is when addressing this incredibly awkward person about his/her blog or if you should even address “said person” at all. Lucky for you, I happen to know a little about these types of situations and in fact, was in the process of actually blogging about it in this very post– that’s right, I also have an extremely awkward and personal blog about brain cancer and am more than happy to guide you through the uncomfortable situations that you are sure to find yourself in while being forced by proximity and social convention to engage this blogger of ill fate. So let’s get started, I have some uncomfortable functions of my own to attend.

I think that the first thing we should address is that if you have been reading the said blog and it has made you feel kind of funny and/or uncomfortable because of the odd, ugly or intimate nature of the blog – like seeing a granny in a two piece – you might have a hard time making eye contact or even looking towards the said blogger. If this is you, I am here to tell you that it is okay and that it is a perfectly acceptable reaction. If you are nervous or uncomfortable thinking about an upcoming event and do not know exactly what to say - what is or is not appropriate - a good rule of thumb is to just not make eye contact and casually walk away. I can tell you from experience that it is a very effective maneuver that ensures avoiding any awkward moments with said blogger.

If you are too uneasy with the previously mentioned approach of not making eye contact, it is completely understandable (you are a wuss). Luckily though, I have several other options tailor made just for you. The first one is to fane ignorance, “What? You have a blog? I will read it for sure when I get home!” Depending on the frequency of blogger-attended functions, this can be an effective approach for up to a year or as little as 3 days (if you are Mexican, you attend an unfathomable amount of family functions and know exactly what I am talking about). This excuse can be modified and reused several times. Examples include: I got home and totally forgot or I could not remember the name of the blog or my computer crashed, etc., etc… A very creative individual can drag this type of avoidance out for a long time. The benefit of this technique is that even after the blogger figures out that you are lying, you can simply and easily use option one and not make eye contact. This technique is called “the excruciatingly slow band-aid pull.” It is overwhelmingly painful to bloggers and might be the most effective way of permanently removing one (modern medical science has made it near impossible to just wait it out).

I think the next scenario we should address is the off chance that you actually liked one of the posts you read and you want to say something like, “Hey man, I really enjoyed that one that talked all girly about being scared of dying lonely and stuff. I don’t know if it was supposed to be funny, but I laughed my ass off.” Um…yeah, I guess that is all right. “How long are you going to be writing this blog, I mean your terminal, right?” You know what, maybe it’s better if you don’t ask any more questions – they’re making me feel kind of uncomfortable. “If I cure cancer will you stop blogging and try to become a productive member of society?” Yes, I will. Oh, you are being sarcastic… funny.

And finally we come to the dreaded possibility that you have not been reading the blog because you do not actually like the person blogging. Does this make you a bad person? I am not sure, but I hope it does.  This scenario is by far the easiest situation to remedy though, as you have countless available options at your disposal. The first option is obviously indifference – you cannot feel awkward if you just don’t care (because you’re a jerk). Another option is to read the blog enthusiastically and discuss the tragedy of the posts in a manner that appears to be excited about the writing, all the while really just enjoying the misery of the blogger’s misfortune. Also, you can always say point blank, “your blog sucks and I don’t like you!” This might actually make it more awkward though depending on the function; if there is any alcohol involved, it is actually an expected custom and will be overlooked and/or laughed about by everyone (by everyone except the blogger that is).

It needs to be noted here that all these situations run the chance of being blogged about by a disgruntled, emotionally wounded and extremely vengeful wannabe writer with nothing to lose (I sound bad ass). But it is only a slight chance and most people will understand your side of it anyway. And honestly, there are only like 3 people that even read the blog (probably, I mean I don’t know if I am even acquainted with your sickly blogger) and those people have probably either been coerced from family pressure or they have been coerced, threatened and bullied from family members or I guess there is the extremely faint chance that they are absolute weirdoes – Seriously, who else would read a misguided and poorly written blog about cancer? (I know that I wouldn’t).

I hope that this has been helpful in relieving the upcoming awkwardness that you have been dreading. If not…well this is awkward.