Thanks

I realized this morning that it was probably time for an update: I have completed my first month (two cycles of Avastin and one round of Temodar) of chemotherapy and it was not as bad as I remembered it to be. Maybe I am physically healthier (other than my cancerous noggin, of course) then I was the first time around or because I know what to expect this time – either way, I am okay.

It is always an odd thing for me to write about myself because I usually have no idea what I am going to say, or more to the root of the issue (probably because I'm a dude) until I write it down I normally have no idea how I am actually feeling about myself or my situation. That is one of the reasons why I started writing in the first place. But that is not the case this morning. This morning I know exactly how I feel and have something to say: Thank You.

If I am going to be absolutely honest then I have to admit that having a terminal illness causes selfishness, or at the very least, self-centeredness – though internal reflection is a necessary part of the process and I am by no means faulting myself for doing it since it is how we find or even generate the strength to push-on and move forward; it solidifies the reasons for our will to do so, and in the end it is how we will find a sense of peace and closure. But nevertheless, it is an inward focus, and by its very nature tends to distort your peripheral vision of the outside world and your connection to it. I am saying that our decisions, even (and possibly especially) the ones that are internally focused are not made in a vacuum, harbor consequence and that there is no such thing as ceteris paribus.

Which brings me to my point: I am eternally thankful to those that have sacrificed so much for me. I am writing this post (and completely murdering a book as well), on a brand new laptop that my brother gave to me (the bar has been set people). And still yet, I am writing while my wife is cleaning the entire house around me, and while in the relative comfort and security, both financial and emotional, provided by my family and friends that have all stood up to support me - a guy who is largely focused on himself.

I have been keeping up with the world news of late (being unemployed affords me that option, though I do not recommend it for anybody that does not want to be angry with the world or hate humanity in general), but it does offer the benefit of recognizing one's blessings and good fortunes. I will – and I am absolutely positive about this – continue to complain, be bitter, feel hornswoggled (that's a real word, somewhere, at some point in time people must have actually used it), battle with jealousy and depression, and all of the other “poor me” thoughts that plague every human, regardless the severity of their problems. But I will do it from the comfort of my home (a mile and half away from the beach), with a full belly, on my new laptop, while receiving cutting edge medical care and surrounded by family and friends that go out of their way to make sure that I am as taken care of as humanly possible. So again: Thank you.